Want to not only be happier but also thrive? Learn to be more resilient. Dr. Lucy Hone is a world-renowned expert on resiliency and offers three secrets of resilient people.

1. Know that suffering is part of life. This doesn’t mean resilient people go so far as to welcome it in — they are not delusional. However, when the tough times come, they seem to know that suffering is part of every human existence. Knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against when challenges arrive.

… Hone says: “The real tragedy is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer. We live in an age where many of us feel entitled to perfect lives. Shiny, happy photos on Instagram are the norm when, as all of us know, the very opposite is true.”

2. Carefully choose where you’re directing your attention. Resilient people have a habit of realistically appraising situations, and typically they manage to focus on the things they can change and learn to accept the things they can’t.

… Hone says: “As humans, we are good at noticing threats and weaknesses. When we were cavepeople, our ability to ignore a beautiful rainbow and to concentrate on an approaching tiger instead ensured our survival. The problem is we now live in an era where we are bombarded by different kinds of threats — from unrealistic deadlines and toxic colleagues to mounting bills or just someone stealing a parking lot from us — all day long and our brains treat every single one of those as though they were a tiger. Our stress response is permanently dialed up.”

3. Ask yourself: “Is what I’m doing helping me or harming me?” This question can be applied to so many different contexts. For example, you might ask yourself: “Is the way I’m thinking and acting helping me or harming me in my bid to get that promotion? To pass that exam? To recover from a heart attack?”

… Hone says that by actually asking yourself “whether you really need to drink that extra glass of wine, spend another hour on social media, or rehash the same old argument with a family member, you’re putting yourself back in the driver’s seat. It gives you control over your decision making.”